An Elephant and two blind ladies...& Me

As on all all Friday's I drove down from my client site. Reached home to see 3 people with bright smiles. Must be something special !!

My daughter, Rama, 4 blurts out "Baba, I taught Aadi. Look".

Aadi, my year old son, is ready for the act. Ira, my wife, looks on. It seems her act somewhere down the road it seems.

Rama: Aadi, where is your tummy.
Aadi puts his index finger on his tummy. Smiling big, with all new teeth, looks great. Rama claps.

Rama goes on "Aadi, show me your ears."
Aadi puts his index finger somewhere between the ear and eye, on the side of his head.

It gives me a chance to say "Nuts, he knows nothing.'

Now, thats the cue Ira is waiting for, "Kedar, you don't understand children, or anyone" (ouchh..)
"Baba, you are a bad boy.", Rama supports her mom.

These 2 ladies always support each other.

Rama goes on "Aadi where are your eyes"

Aadi, still beaming, puts the finger at the same spot.

Ira wades in again "He is a small kid. He understands everything. He is showing it right."

I need to come up with something really good now. Gotcha.

"Aadi where from your head did the screw fall off"

Aadi promptly puts his finger on the same spot.

Now it's me running, for Rama and Ira move to beat me up.

CRAP

Residing in US for the last 3 years has its advantage. For me, it meant getting good with acronyms and plans.

Plans...plans are good. Even if not followed, one should have them. So one fine day, I started creating "CRAP" and it oozed out over the next few days.

CRAP stand for "Civil Response Action Plan". The beauty, it's closely alligned with the policies adopted by Govt of India.

As Indians we a unique sense to react to acts of terror. The process goes like this,

Asleep - Unaware - Bomb - Surprise - Aware - Asleep - Bomb - Cry - Symapathise - Asleep - Bomb - Anger - Blabber - Asleep - Bomb - Fed up - Laugh - Asleep - Bomb - Plan - Blog - Asleep - Bomb - Die.

It's different over here in US. The Yankees go this way,

Ready - Bomb the bad guy - Go bankrupt - Starve - Die

The Indian 24 step process is far better. A terrorist has to try atleast 24 times to succeed. On top of that, the process has a inbuilt mechanism to iterate. So we are allowed to surprised after every bomb phase. I will tell ya, this is the biggest reason for depression in terrorists.

By now you must have realised that I am a deep thinker.

Now to move forward, lets see where I stand tody. Blog is step 21 - so thats where I stand. In 3 steps, I will reach the the end and all of you step 9 (you have an option to do a quick step 8).

In the blog phase I plan to tell you what I did in step 20 - Plan. I created CRAP - Civil Response Action Plan.

It's very much an action oriented and proactive plan. Action plan means detail actions that others can take after I or you are through with step 24. Proactive means planning for those actions before we reach step 24.
Here are some snapshots,

1. Location, Location, Location:
This famous marketing mantra fits perfectly in my plan. CRAP needs 2 locations. One where the bomb goes off and second is your home. People should know where to gather. Make your home address immediately available to the media. Rest will be taken care of.

2. Media plan:
To have an effective media plan, we need to understand TRP, the lifeblood of media industry.
A simplistic formula is,

TRP ratings = [No. of dead + (No. of Critically injured /2) + (No. of other injured /10)] * Time slot of attack * Responders

Time of attack and Responders is a force multiplier. So if the attack happens in prime time, it is premium. NSG response is jackpot, not so for police. As I said, this is a simplistic formula. I do not wish to complicate when I have only 3 steps to go.

3. Investment plan:
We will be the biggest source of income for our families after step 24. Blood money from Central, state, municipal governments, governer etc etc. Ahh, not to forget the ubiquitous Nagarsevak. Then there will be contributions from co-workers. Government job for one dependant. Purasakar's from well meaning NGO's for graduating step 24. So much money and no investment plan...nah. Have one !

4. The dignitories:
When we die, the family which made sacrifices for the nation will come to visit. The family will be joined by other anguished souls like PM, HM and others, sharing our grief. A plan for these visits is very crucial. It's important to welcome them, narrate the lifestory of our dead, pose for the snapshot and most important, to control our anger. Otherwise the family will end up making further sacrifices for the nation.

5. Legacy:
Last but not the least, Legacy !! Simpally put, it means a medium sized board with your name on it. But its critical to identify a place where it can be put. In my case, I have a wide choice that I can stake claim to. In my society there are 3 parks, all unnamed. You can pick either a badminton court or a children's park or the jogging track to put the board against. If you ask me, I will prefer the track right in front of my house - Swa. Kedar Vaidya Jogging Track.

I don't plan a statue for some crow to crap on.

Fun Hour - Courtsey Indian Foreign Service

Last week I happened to visit the Indian Consulate in New York for passport renewal. Apart from the that mundane task, the visit proved to be an hour of live show of comedy central.

Here are two snapshots,

The Old Man
As I entered, an irate old man was arguing with a cool consulate officer. Apparently, the consulate has gone the "IT" way and the man was not happy.

3 dialogs,

Dialog 1 - Old Man from south India and the Cool officer

Old man: So what do I do. Ha, tell me Sar
Cool officer: Sir I have told you for last 2 hours that you need to fill the
form online and then take a print. No physical forms.
Old man: How..how can you say that, haa. I am old, I don't know computer. I
don't have computer. Tell me how should I do it, haa. Should I buy a
computer to fill your form. Tell me, why should I buy it.
Cool Officer: I cannot answer that Sir. Pl. go to a friend or a public library.
Old man: Why should I. Why should I. I need a form. Tell me how to get it.
Cool officer: Sir, pls stand in that line and ask those ladies (they seem to be more
senior that the cool officer).

Old man gets his first win. I happen to be behind the old man in the line.

Dialog 2 - Old Man and Me

Old man: This is wrong, it is crazy. I came here at 9 o'clock and after 2 hours
finally he agreed to let me in the line. I will fight.
Me: (Faint smile)
Old man: I need a form. I cannot go online. How..how can they say that, haa. I
am old, I don't know computer. I don't have computer. Tell me how to
do it, haa. Should I buy a computer to fill the form. Tell me, why
should I buy it.
Me: Yeah, its strange. They should have physical forms..(I like consensus).
Old man: I never had this problem. I am in US for 25 years
Me: (what...you look straight from Chennai. It seems you came here after
lunch and before siesta)
Old man: I need a form. I cannot go online. How..how can they say that, haa. I
am old, I don't know computer. I don't have computer. Tell me how to
do it, haa. Should I buy a computer to fill the form. Tell me, why
should I buy it.
Me: yeah.. (I better keep discreet)
Old Man: My head is spinning since he told me no form. How can they say that.
Me: yeah...(whatever)
Old Man: I will fight
Me: (silent yeah)...(it will be fun bit I don't want to be in crossfire)

We get to the desk. 2 lady officers. He moves ahead when one of them gets free. I can almost here my heartbeat....impending fight.

Dialog 3 - Old Man and the Lady Officer

Old Man: I need a form for passport renewal. I do not have computer
Lady Officer: I cannot answer that Sir. Pl. fill it online.
Old Man: Okay Madam. Thank you.

Old man goes. I almost forget its my turn. Indian diplomacy wins !!

A Very Old Man

While me and the old man were having dialog number 2, a very old man finally made it to the desk. Apparently, he was there for PIO card for his grandson (or great grandson ?).

Dialog: Very Old Man and the Lady Officer

Very Old Man: (gives lot of papers). Documents maam.
Lady officer: (Inspects the documents). Sir please submit all the documents
Very Old Man: I have maam. Your website only mentions these documents
Lady Officer: Sir please check again. I need 2 copies of this document and the
original. Copies of that document need to be notarized. And this one,
this is okay. And need a proof of your relation to the child.
Very Old Man: Madam, bachhe ko leke aawun kya ?
Lady Officer: (speechless)...Nahi Sir, etna kijiye, main PIO card de dungi
Very Old Man: (Collects documents) Ok maam. Sirf document leke aawunga.

Very Old Man goes. I cannot laugh as the old man will get angry.

Grand old Indian Foreign service, you rock. Hoooorah to Indian Diplomacy.